


Jimmy Kimmel presents Mean Tweets: Special Edition with Richie Tozier

by kyaticlikestea



Series: Richie Tozier is famous and loves his boyfriend, OK [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Bisexual Eddie Kaspbrak, Comedian Richie Tozier, Gay Richie Tozier, M/M, Richie Tozier's Stand Up Act, Talk Shows, Twitter, richie tozier is so in love, there really needs to be a tag that's just
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-12 06:24:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21229949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak@ekaspbrak@richietozier if you ever so much as dream of licking my foot again, fucko, I’ll shove your foot up your asshole until you’re wearing yourself like a shoe.Richie Tozier makes an appearance on the popular web series Mean Tweets to promote his comeback Netflix special, but there's something familiar about these mean tweets. Namely the fact that they're all from his boyfriend.





	Jimmy Kimmel presents Mean Tweets: Special Edition with Richie Tozier

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this Tumblr post](https://songstone.tumblr.com/post/188638380778/richie-goes-on-jimmy-kimmel-for-a-press-junket-and)!

**[Unedited film transcript of ** ** _Mean Tweets: Special Edition with Richie Tozier_****, recorded May 8th 2019. Note to editor: there’s gonna be a lot of bleeping in this one...]**

Hi, I’m Richie Tozier, and apparently we’re going to be reading mean tweets today. I’m super excited about that, actually. Like, as a very out gay dude, I fully expect some prime cut, grade A homophobia in these, or I’ll be so disappointed in the calibre of Twitter trolls. If they’re all about my fivehead, then I’m deleting my account. Where do I start, do I just read the first one? Out loud? Oh, Jesus. I hope you’ve removed the name so I can’t, like, send my chihuahua boyfriend after them. That would be a smart move on your part.

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ** ** _@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> @richietozier why do you stand the same way in literally every photo, like you’ve suddenly forgotten you have arms?

_ [He claps, possibly jumps in his seat a little in excitement, although he’ll deny it later] _ Oh my God, is this - is this Eddie’s account? It is! It totally is! Oh fuck, oh shit, oh no. I did not sign up for this shit. He’s gonna roast me so bad. Do I look crispy to you? From all the roasting? Well, give it five minutes. Jesus. That guy, literally - right, he’s had Twitter since, like, 2012, but he never used it because it was kind of linked to his corporate persona. He basically just used it to retweet, like, stats about risks associated with, fucking, toaster ovens and bacteria. And then he comes out as bi, and all of a sudden he’s, like, the political fucking mouthpiece of a generation, and he’s posting scathing critiques of the Trump administration and clapping back at queerphobic trolls and _ roasting the absolute shit out of me_, 24/7, which is kind of unnecessary because he absolutely doesn’t need a Twitter account to do that, he lives with me and he’s seen my attempts at making a bed. Oh man. 

This particular tweet, by the way, was about my Emmy appearance. Apparently I stand like Bender from Futurama. It’s not Eddie who told me that, I’d like to add. It was, like, everyone else. I think it was a meme. Someone Photoshopped a picture of me on the red carpet so that I was silver like the world’s creepiest fucking robot, and Eddie retweeted it, because he’s awful. Next time, I’m just gonna Vogue all the way down the red carpet. It’s what the critics want. 

Although I’d like to add that after he posted this tweet, he kept telling me how proud he was that I’d been nominated and - can I say this, will he glare at me if I say this? - he bought me an organic fruit basket, because he’s ludicrous and I like him so much. And also because he’s, like, literally desperate for me to eat one piece of fruit before I die. He also told me that I’d probably win next time, if I made fewer jokes about his fanny pack. Which, psych! I’ll never do. I’d rather lose every award nomination I ever get than quit spreading the good word about my boyfriend and his fanny pack habit.

Well. I hope you enjoyed that window into our dysfunctional relationship. What else do you have for me? _ [He rubs his hands together] _I’m ready. Hit me with the real mean shit, baby.

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ** ** _@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> @richietozier nice fivehead, dickbag, Trump should rent it out for advertising space

_ [He laughs and sighs] _ So we’re just doing mean tweets from my boyfriend, huh? We’ll be here all fucking week, then. He’s practically got a fucking archive of them. And like, just to get in there before everyone’s like, man, Richie’s boyfriend is a _ monster_, I think he’s hilarious and ‘fuck you’ is our ‘I love you’, and I think that’s neat. Anyway, I think I remember this one. It was the first time he properly roasted me on Twitter. And - no, I can’t, he’ll murder me stone cold dead. _ [pleading noises from off screen] _Fine, but if he comes after me, I’m using you as a human shield, and you won’t get out of it alive. 

So this photo of me went viral, right? You know the one. Do I have to describe it? _ [‘yes’ from off screen; he sighs] _ All right. It was the one where I’m wearing that shirt that I got on my UK tour, the one that says ‘Trump means FART in England’ above a cartoon of our illustrious president with, uh, his ass just like, fully out. And in the photo, I’m standing underneath Trump Tower in New York, and I’m kind of just pointing my own ass towards the tower, because I’m Richie Tozier, I’m 42 years old, and I haven’t grown up yet, probably never will, deal with it. And yeah, that photo did the rounds on Twitter for a solid fortnight, and people were meme-ing it and getting it put on shirts so that it was, like, shirtception, and it was honestly the greatest two weeks of my life. I think it made the front page of some Icelandic newspaper. But Eddie hated it! He absolutely hated it. So much. Because the thing is, he works in this really corporate office, and they all know that he’s dating _ [he gestures towards himself] _this loser right here, so every time I go viral for, like, rubbing my ass on our president’s front porch, he has to deal with his coworkers knowing that his boyfriend is That Guy. Which must be very hard for him. Can’t relate, because my boyfriend is perfect and I love him. And all this with the photo was before he was properly using Twitter. Like, he’d use it every now and again to retweet statistics on, like, queer homelessness or trans healthcare, but he didn’t tweet that much himself. 

So anyway, he comes up to me and he’s like, “babe,” and _ immediately _ that’s when I know he wants something, because ‘babe’ is totally my thing. Yeah, yeah, I’m a sap. I own it. He’s the light of my life and I don’t care who knows it. Anyway, usually, he either calls me ‘dude’ or, if I’m lucky, ‘fuckwad’. I know, he says the sweetest things. He’s a true romantic. So he’s like, “babe,” and I’m like, “what do you want? Do you need me to use my unsettlingly long arms to get something out from behind the couch again?” and he says, “uh, no. It’s about that photo." And he says it in this way that I can tell he's building up to something life-changing, so I just nod and let him continue, and he goes, “the thing is, I really want to roast the shit out of it, because it’s fucking horrible and I need everyone to know that I hate it, but I don’t want to do it if you’d rather I didn’t, because you’re a public figure and all, and I don’t want to embarrass you,” and I’m like, “you have the tweet already written, don’t you?” and he just blushes, because - not sure if I’ve mentioned this before - he is very, very cute, and so I sigh and let him post the fucking tweet. And then my boyfriend goes massively viral, because of course he does, and suddenly everyone knows that he’s funnier than me. And I signed off on that! Ridiculous. So now he’s a Twitter celebrity or whatever. It’s the worst part of my life. I love it. I think he only has, like, 20,000 fewer followers than me, which is kind of amazing, seeing as I’m the one with a Netflix deal and my face on billboards. He’ll probably have more than me after this video. And he’ll deserve every single one. Anyway, what’s the next horrible thing that the absolute love of my life has said to me on the world’s most public forum?

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ** ** _@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> @richietozier your hair looks like something that washed up on a beach

There’s literally no story there. My hair just looked exactly like something that washed up on a beach. He was right and he had every right to say it.

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ** ** _@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> Does anyone else think that @richietozier looks like the kind of person who opens your last jar of organic yoghurt, pokes his finger in, licks the yoghurt off, and then puts it back in the fridge? Because let me tell you something...

_ [He laughs] _Fuck, I thought I was so sneaky about that, too. Oh man. Called out! Thanks for bringing it up again, by the way. He’ll be on my case about the yoghurt for weeks now. All my very generous fees for doing this bit will go on goddamn dairy produce. I miss the days when he was convinced he was lactose intolerant. Now he’s just intolerant of my bullshit. Which, again, fair enough.

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ** ** _@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> @richietozier I come to work pretty much solely so that I don’t have to deal with your shit, and yet here we are. _ [attached photo shows a billboard advertising Richie’s Netflix special, right outside Eddie’s office window. It basically consists of a huge photo of Richie’s face, grinning somewhat unsettlingly, and the show title, _ Don’t Call My Boyfriend Gay_.] _

Oh, now this is a good one. Because that photo there, the photo of a giant billboard with my massive, stupid fucking face on it - he took that photo out of his office window. And he posted that tweet, y’know, where he’s like, ew, get this away from me, I can’t stand to do actual work in my real adult job near this grotesque visage. But you know what? The very next day, that billboard got vandalised. Kind of spectacularly. Someone drew a gigantic dick right next to my head, on this fourth floor billboard. I have literally no idea how. They must have, like, hired a fucking crane, or there’s one person in this city who’s fucking taller than me and they’re my arch nemesis now. And this dick was… uh, prominent. Like, it wasn’t quite in my mouth, but pretty much. It was a pretty anatomical dick, too, like the person who drew it really knew what they were talking about. 

And you know what my tiny, rage-filled boyfriend did? He called the city! I’m not kidding, he literally called the city, and he was like _ [he does what is supposedly his Eddie voice, but it sounds a lot like Brian Blessed] _ you have to replace this billboard that’s right outside my office, because this man - this comedy genius, this titan of homosexual pop culture - has done so much for queer youth everywhere, and if you don’t remove this clearly homophobic piece of graffiti, then I’ll write to every news outlet in the state and shame the fuck out of you all for being idle in the face of blatant bigotry. _ [He laughs, shakes his head] _And they replaced it! Personally, I think he was just jealous seeing me come so close to sucking someone else’s dick, even if it was a cartoon dick and it was 5ft tall, but still. He’s terrible. I love him.

I love these, by the way. They’re like foreplay for me. Most of our, like, actual foreplay is just us roasting the shit out of each other’s moms, so it’s really doing it for me. _ [someone laughs off screen] _

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ** ** _@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> @richietozier I’m leaving you for @billdenbro because he actually replies to my fucking texts x

Shit, OK. God, the little turd, making me look like the worst boyfriend ever. In my defence, I didn’t answer his texts because I was literally at the grocery store arguing with the cashier over his fucking ridiculous shopping list of, like, organic seeds and shit, and the cashier was like, “sir, we don’t stock 100% organic freshly ground coffee beans from Ethiopia, this is a Walmart,” and I was like, “please, my boyfriend, he is very tired! He needs his coffee!” but they wouldn’t listen, and it turned out that it was because I was looking at his coffee shop order from back in February. Because, sue me, I haven’t emptied out my pockets in a while. Like, possibly two years. Anyway, I was doing my absolute best, and I don’t think anyone can take that away from me. 

And in response to that tweet - which isn’t even mean, by the way, it’s literally just a running joke that we have about our old pal Bill looking like every mom’s ideal son-in-law - he didn’t tweet that out until after I’d come home, and he asked permission to tweet it, because he was worried - and I quote! - that “people won’t know what I see in you.” God. I hate him so much. He’s so perfect.

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ** ** _@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> @richietozier is this you? [image description: a looping gif of a raccoon eating trash, then falling asleep in said trash]

_ [Gasps in mock horror] _He’s so mean! Mean, mean, mean. But that raccoon is actually very cute, so maybe that’s what he’s getting at. Yeah, that’s what I’m going with. Aw shucks, Eds! I think you’re cute, too!

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ** ** _@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> If anyone hasn’t been able to stream @richietozier Don’t Call My Boyfriend Gay yet, let me sum it up for you: blah blah blah my boyfriend used to wear a fanny pack, blah blah my boyfriend’s mom, blah blah did I mention I have a boyfriend? Also I’m gay.

Now, that’s just some good old fashioned Eddie snark. Sarcasm wrapped in irony and tied with a bow of ennui. I would like to add, for context, that he tweeted that literally as he was sat in bed next to me, after having watched the taped version of the special for the first time. He was at the recording, obviously, but he insisted on waiting in the wings in case I needed to rush off and throw up everywhere, and he may or may not have been holding a bucket the entire time just in case, but I’ll never tell, so he didn’t get, like, the best view of it. So we watched it together when it came on Netflix, like we ordered pizza and watched it in bed, because we’re old and that’s our idea of a saucy night in now, it’s literally tomato sauce, and he was _ delighted_. Like, don’t ask me how I know, but I know. He made it, uh, very clear. _ [Laughs] _So yeah, he wrote that tweet whilst on cloud fucking nine. He was giggling the entire time he wrote it and refused to show me until he’d hit send. I nearly punched a wall to feel manly again. And then I made him a smoothie.

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ** ** _@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> @richietozier if you ever so much as dream of licking my foot again, fucko, I’ll shove your foot up your asshole until you’re wearing yourself like a shoe.

_ [He practically cries with laughter] _ No, no, I can’t. I can’t cope with this one. Please. I’m, like, ten seconds away from perishing. Do I have to explain this one? _ [Amused affirmations from off screen; he removes his glasses, wipes his eyes, puts his glasses back on, and cracks his knuckles in preparation] _

OK, so, back in the glory years, when my boyfriend still wore a fanny pack and thought he was allergic to penicillin, we had this hammock - I think I talked about it in [Don’t Call My Boyfriend Gay, which is still available to stream on Netflix, by the way, just to plug that](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21219578) \- and it was basically where we used to, like, chill out in a totally hetero way, just two bros practically lying on top of each other in a confined space, no feet apart because we were gay. Or bi, in his case. And don’t get me wrong, we were, like, thirteen, so let’s not get super gross with it, but I think we were both aware that we, uh, enjoyed hammock time. _ [He laughs at himself] _By which I mean that honestly, getting bruises all down my ribs from his horribly sharp elbows was totally worth it, because it meant I got to spend time with him. He’s gonna murder me for getting this sappy on camera. Sorry, Eds! 

Anyway, we used to annoy the living fuck out of each other in that hammock, like he’d jam his knees right into my side and try and tip me out, and I’d really slowly just move my foot towards him until I could, like, boop his nose with my big toe, and then he’d start shrieking about germs and hitting me, but, I hasten to add, he never got out of the hammock. Because, in hindsight, he was always just as transparent as I was. Which was pretty fucking transparent. And one day, I may have taken it a step too far, and I might have possibly grabbed him by the ankle and just licked a streak all the way up the sole of his bare foot. _ [He laughs] _ I have no idea what possessed me. I regretted it immediately, not least because it was the worst thing I’d ever tasted. And I have honest to God never heard another scream like it, and that includes the time that, uh, my boyfriend got slightly stabbed in the face. Just a little. And he was yelling at me, like, “what the fuck are you doing, you fucking fuckface, that’s _ disgusting_, you have no idea where my feet have been!” and so obviously I said, “inside your mom, probably,” and then it was business as usual. But he never let me forget it.

And that tweet, he made that tweet because that morning, when he was getting ready for work, he couldn’t find his socks. And, you know, he has a full sock drawer. He colour codes his sock drawer. He should be able to find his socks. If anyone should be able to find their socks at any given moment, it’s my Eddie. But, uh, _ someone_, not mentioning my own name here, had forgotten that it was his turn to do our laundry that week. So I said that he could borrow a pair of my socks, because obviously, I’m not a total asshole, and he was like, “ew, no, I have no idea where your feet have been,” and so I said, “I’ll tell you, they’ve been inside your mom,” and it obviously reminded him of our, uh, previous exchange. 28 years ago. What can I say, we both have good memories for each other. So yeah, I’ve always been this gross. In my defence, he’s the one who _ colour codes his sock drawer_, so how am I meant to be anything else? It’s all I can do not to turn up at his office with a boombox and just smooch the hell out of him. No-one knows my suffering.

Well, this is fun. I feel like I’m really conveying, you know, love-struck psychopath here. Which is what I am now, I guess. Oh, here’s one that isn’t from my boyfriend. Fucking finally.

> **Trump 2020 Iowa Baby!! ** ** _@james1162b_ **
> 
> @richietozier looks like he isn’t allowed within 6 feet of a school

Huh. That’s kind of mild, actually. I get way worse than that from, like, the verbal manifestations of my own repressed trauma. Shit, I say ten worse things to myself before breakfast, and that’s on a good day. _ [unintelligible mumbling from off screen] _ Oh, there’s a second part? Huh, OK.

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ** ** _@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _ Replying to @james1162b, @richietozier _
> 
> Hey, Shithead Von Fuckface, not sure if you got the memo, but only I’m allowed to roast my boyfriend on this hellsite. Try again when you’ve been nominated for a fucking Emmy. Until then, delete your account and go back to Party City where you belong! #IsThisWhatTheKidsCallAClapBack

_ [He laughs uproariously, slapping the table] _Oh fuck, that’s precious. That’s the best thing I’ve ever seen. Holy shit. Can you print that out? Can you frame it for me? I want to hang a copy in all the good rooms of my house. Oh man, this is the best moment of my entire 42 years on this fucking planet. My boyfriend is a tiny man and he’s full of rage! Don’t come for him, or he’ll bite your kneecaps! Or, well, don’t come for me, I guess. Fuck. That’s cute. I owe him so much dick for this. 

Is that it? There aren’t any more? I mean, there are definitely more - you haven’t even used the one where he got a papped photo of my face and circled a bit of sauce around my mouth on Microsoft Paint, you cowards - but that’s all we’re doing today, I guess. Lucky for you guys, if this video does well, my boyfriend has enough material to make a whole series of these things. Well, it’s been wild, folks. I’m going to go home and make out with my horrible, fantastic boyfriend now. See you on the Twittersphere.

> **Richie ‘Don’t Call Me Richard’ Tozier ✔ ** ** _@richietozier_ **
> 
> I was going to tweet ‘hey everyone, watch @ekaspbrak come hard for me on Twitter’ but then I realised that if I wrote that, he’d make sure that I never came hard ever again. So instead, watch this video of my boyfriend ripping the absolute shit out of me, you’re welcome. 
> 
> [embedded video title: _ Mean Tweets, Special Edition: Richie Tozier _]

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ** ** _@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _ Replying to @richietozier _
> 
> I mean, I hate to be that guy, but you literally tweeted it. You just did that.

> **Richie ‘Don’t Call Me Richard’ Tozier ✔ ** ** _@richietozier_ **
> 
> _ Replying to @ekaspbrak _
> 
> Not to also be that guy, but you totally did come hard for me. That’s just fact! It’s youth slang! I’m culturally relevant now! I get to say this shit!

> **Eddie Kaspbrak ** ** _@ekaspbrak_ **
> 
> _ Replying to @richietozier _
> 
> Fuck you, so much.

> **Richie ‘Don’t Call Me Richard’ Tozier ✔ ** ** _@richietozier_ **
> 
> _ Replying to @ekaspbrak _
> 
> Love you too :) :) :) :) :) :) ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Me, a 27 year old British woman: Richie Tozier is my son and I would die for him


End file.
